Well another week, and problems galore. The Lucasforum site went down for a few days, and my system said it could be in my computer, or the site itself. When I used the troubleshooter it said 'restore your system'.

Never, never, never, I repeat never automatically follow that instruction. I did so, and my computer refused to come up because a command file could not be read. It cost me 60 bucks I couldn't spare to get back up. So I was a bit rushed this week even to make it late.

Only kotorfanmedia scored with any picks this week; Rhiannon scored twice, one for Dejarik then in a three way tie with Loneliest When I’m With You, Midnight Fear's The Colour of Fear and Attonrand's Field Promotion.

Well let's see if I can avoid spending money for a few days, eh? Signing off...

Fanfiction.net


Hopes for a New Republic
SuperSaiyaMan12

Post TSL: A flight to Coruscant takes the original crew into the future instead

Remember to sight edit and polish because of some cumbersome sentence structure. As an example, 'In Hangar V-45, the Ebon Hawk was there refueling' would flow better as 'the Ebon Hawk was in Hangar V-45 being refueled'. You also repeated yourself in 'That is how I learned that Jon however was formerly Revan, however'. You could lose either however and it would improve the sentence. Having both is just confusing.

You also used the wrong word in a sentence 'I feel to see', rather than I fail to see'. This would be missed by the spellchecker and grammar check as both words are spelled correctly, but feel does not make sense. It is rested (set his hands upon) rather than wrested (Pulled away) and seams (Joins) rather than seems (Appears)

Remember that a reader follows the flow of the author's words. The way the sentences were written breaks up that flow just enough to be discordant as does using the wrong word.

The basics of the story are good, and it is a pity I could not read it through. Having both the Hawk and the Falcon arrive at the same moment was a nice touch to get the reader into the scene.

Ain't Love Grand
Angelofire

KOTOR en route to Tatooine: The Hero is having odd dreams...

Grammar problems. You used Jedi's instead of Jedi because from the context all of the fighters were Jedi manned, and at the same time made ships as if it were a part of the ship (Ship's as in a part of, like the ship's cannon); you also made it a question rather than a statement (I figure there are Jedi on these ships?).

Technical note; as often as cinematic productions have the guns firing with an audible sound, and targets exploding audibly when hit, there is no sound in vacuum. All sound is transmitted through air or a solid object, so what the character is hearing is the sound transmitted first through the hull, then through the air the hull touches. So there would be no sound of explosions on impact either.

Oddly enough, the few times where they have showed space battles as they would really be (Yes there have been times when Hollywood is faithful to reality), the audience couldn't keep up with the story. Go figure...

Shipboard terms are different from normal usage. Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Surprises
Nina of the Galaxy

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: It wasn't much of a surprise...

The piece is amusing with everyone (Except Bastila) working their butts off to have a surprise 21st birthday party for Selena (Revan).

Technical note; Shipboard terms are different from normal usage. Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Also, chocolate and strawberries are Earth delicacies, which is why others call it choka or coffee Caffa. That is one reason I have my characters drink tea, because all a tea is actually is chopped leaves immersed in hot water, and no one says it has to be a tea grown here.

Knights Of The Old Republic: The Chosen Alliance
Jay210

Approximately a month after TSL: Drendan Kline(The Exile) hurries off to find Revan as the others of both crews gather.

First, you're hurrying the story along too much. You go from fleeing Malachor to finding the location of Bastila to rushing off in just a few paragraphs. It is also confusing that Revan supposedly the best Jedi ever is almost defeated on the planet while the Exile is handling the same group easily before Revan rejoins the fight.

Remember to sight edit; you have several places where misspellings were not checked by the spell checker. As examples you used soley instead of solely and waisted (pertaining to a human waist) instead of wasted (frittered away) thrusted rather than thrust just as a start.

It also does not make sense that Revan, who led the Jedi into comment recognized neither the Exile, nor his name. It would be like General Patton not remembering another General under his command.

Last negative, why is Bastila acting as if she doesn't know who Jolee is? If it had been Visas, that would have made sense.

Technical note; Why would the Exile need to land on a planet to meditate?

Star Wars Battlefront 2
ZombieSquirrel

Star Wars during the battle of Coruscant: The flight up to rescue the Chancellor

'Generals ship his dead ahead' should be 'General Grievous' ship is dead ahead'.

The piece needs serious sight editing. There are several misspellings and improperly worded sentences.

This first chapter is basically a generic retelling of the start of the battle.

Interlude no 78
NovelT

Alternate Universe during TSL: Bao-Dur and Manda'lor butt heads

The piece shows what you might expect would happen between Bao-Dur and Manda'lor. In my own version, I used the line from Star Trek the Next Generation where Miles O'Brien blames the Cardassians for his killing someone during the war.

kotorfanmedia

What the Thunder said
Cantido

Pre TSL: The torture of a Jedi seen through her eyes

The primary negative I saw was addressed by the other two that reviewed this piece. The main character is barely fleshed out, the man torturing her is also generic until the very last. A little tweaking, more characterization to bring them into the light more fully and it would an outstanding piece of work. Even with that it is good.

Dejarik
Rhiannon

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton chafes at Kreia's mind games

The piece is an excellent look not only at Atton's memories, but how Kreia is able to twist him to her ends. In my own version, my Kreia suggested that if he ever consumated his relationship with the Exile, that it would end as the previous Jedi encounter did.

Pick of the Week

The Colour of Fear
Midnight Fear

TSL Aboard Ravager: Visas considers what she has sensed in the Force

The piece is stark and strict. I enjoyed the idea that she had once been a Jedi, and that for some reason she was at least partially immune to Nihilus' capabilities. Visas comes across as being beaten into the ground and now is unable to resist. She is sure that if someone did defeat him, that she would merely be in thrall to them.

Pick of the Week

Jungle Moon: Prologue
AshionDarr

Pre TSL No planet given: Just another day in Atton's life

The piece is interesting, as an another reviewer commented, in that we see him before TSL where he isn't killing Jedi. The idea of him living with a pair of Twi-Lek lesbians and helping them run a scam at the same time was choice considering his machismo, as was the final scene with the unknown target/rescuer. Well written.

Loneliest When I’m With You
Rhiannon

Post TSL, no location given: Two people afraid to be apart, but not happy together

The piece is poignant and sad. Atton is terrified of love because of his past, the Exile because she no longer has the force, wonders why Atton's still there, wishes he would leave and is terrified by the idea. Both are miserable, both know the other is also miserable, but neither willing to let go.

Pick of the Week

Field Promotion
Attonrand

Mandalorian Wars, no location given: Survivors of a crash are finally rescued.

Technical Note, character: In your description of the members of the squad you label the same girl that was simply sitting there holding the captain's head as a doctor but did not having her act as one at the start.

Technical Note, military: While it does sometimes happen as you describe, it is unusual for an officer of one branch to be in command of troops from another. Until Korea an Air Force officer was also an Army officer (It didn't become the Air Force until 1946, before that it was the Army Air Corps) and even if they were pilots, unless they went for direct commissions in aviation a second lieutenant still went through the Infantry School, so they have some training. But this would be the equivalent of a lieutenant officer commanding ground troops. It isn't that he could not do the job; merely that it is not what he is trained for. Yet he did the right thing; rather than stay with the ship waiting for rescue, he moved to where they could find a way to contact his ship.

Military 2: We have a rare dichotomy here because of the universe it is set in. The movies have command back on Coruscant 'up close and personal' far too often, so some are uncomfortable with the idea of a drum head court martial for negligence. However I compared the Republic military in one of my articles at lucasforums to the Nationalist Chinese military during the period right before and during WWII; senior officers using their position to line their pockets and order suicide missions just as this was to show that they are doing something, even if it's the wrong thing.

I could think of no other logical reason why they were losing for the better part of four years before the Jedi entered the fray. In my own Return from Exile and My KOTOR full novel I created such an officer as we have here, so politically connected that his mistakes merely got him sent to BuShips rather than cashiered. I gave more in depth on his incompetence in a story Dxun Memories which was not posted to this site. To find it, go to Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>Machievelli (Click on my name)>Treads started by>page 4>Dxun Memories to read it. I was accused of creating a Mari Sue with my version of the Exile lecturing Revan on Infantry procedure, but as I pointed out in the comments about Quintain (My idjit admiral) that experience in one form of combat does not automatically translate to another form. Revan is the Admiral and strategist, Marai is the ground pounder.

While one of the reviewers compared the author's work to Joe Haldeman, I think it is more reminiscent of Robb White who wrote books based on his own experiences during the Second World War, especially Survivor, where a naval aviator ends up in command of a handful of Marines trapped behind enemy lines.

The piece is tightly written, the situation believable, and the depth of characterization with only a few line superb.

Pick of the Week